If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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