last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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