Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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