she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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