My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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