Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
