When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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