i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
