you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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