Moan for me like Helen Keller
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
