we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
