oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
