you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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