My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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