Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
