after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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