pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
