He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize