I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I forget how to act sober
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
