Got a toothbrush?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
