An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
