im six kinds of drunk right now
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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