you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
