I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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