can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
