i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
