Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
