My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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