cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
