Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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