i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
