Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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