Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
