I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
