mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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