you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
