oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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