I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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