Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
