He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
