but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
