What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize