It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
dude. I can hear the air.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
