I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
