so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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