my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
