At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
