i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
