My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
