Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
