I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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