I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
