I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
