I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
