I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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