If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
