No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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