I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
