I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
