Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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