You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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