your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
