In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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