The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
