i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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