he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
