I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
love makes seman taste better
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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